Peace, too peaceful? Not really.
Quiet, too quiet? No.
Sad? a little.
Acceptance? Yes acceptance.
I am accepting of who I am. I know that sounds cliche, but we have cliches for a reason. That is what I SHOULD, (did you just say should?) damn right I did. I SHOULD HAVE ACCEPTED WHO I AM YEARS AGO. But alas I had no idea I could. Besides I had no idea who is was. I was too busy placing expectations on myself.
Expectation to achieve
Expectation to earn
Expectation to succeed
Expectation to be worldly
Expectation to be smart
Expectation to be a role model
Expectation to be a leader
Expectation to be professional
Expectation to have nice things
Expectation to have a beautiful home
Expectation to have well designed, decorated, beautiful home
Damn, that’s a lot of expectations. No wonder I have tummy troubles and smoked. Yes, I was a smoker. I quit in 2013. Since then I have been forced to find a new way to live life. I did not go easily into that good night, more like being dragged, not kicking and screaming, but like a poor pup being dragged into the vet. I got depressed and super sensitive.
I was angry
I was sad
I was hungry
I was thirsty
I was lonely
I was getting fat
I found my anxiety
I kept going with the same expectations. After all I owned them. Only now I did not have my coping device. Only now I had only me and I got no where for a long time. I kept creating art, it was my therapy. Or so I thought.
Art was a place I could go to hide. Immerse myself. Avoid myself.
I created lots of work. So much art.
I have to show that art
I have to sell that art
I have to appreciate that art
I have to get a grant so I can show that work
I have to get representation so I can sell that work
I have to get lots of galleries so I can sell that work
I can not let all these have to’s interfere with what the work means to me. I can do that, I am a professional.
What if I don’t want to be a professional?
What if I want a simple life?
What if I didn’t really care about selling?
What if recognition didn’t really matter that much?
What if I let go?
What if I said enough already?
What would happen if I said that out loud? Made it public. Would it be real? Would I be making a commitment to quitting? What exactly am I quitting?
Am I quitting making art?
Am I withdrawing from the culture?
Is this what I want? Not to be an artist? Can an artist quit being an artist?
FOOTNOTE: I wrote this 6 months ago but only published it now because I have more to add. It’s all good. I’ll write about what happened in my next post.
The question I am wrestling with is what do I do when I get up in the morning if I’m not striving for that goal? What do I do if I don’t have to show up to the easel? If I don’t have to get my work in front of people’s eyes? If I don’t have to try to be good, or try to create a ‘body of work’ related in theme and style. What if I quit listening to what everyone else says I should be doing to be successful?
You are not alone in your thoughts and struggles.
That has crossed my mind every day for the last 6 months. Luckily I have my web design biz to focus on and I always wanted to bake.
Unfortunately the baked goods are catching up with me so it might be time to get back into the studio.